Finding God in the wilderness

A friend mentioned to me, almost offhandedly, something about entering his wilderness years.  At the time, I didn't really understand what he was talking about.  But hours after that, the word wilderness kept penetrating my spirit.  As I started to meditate more on what it means to be in the wilderness...the searching, the testing, the fear, the courage, the immense faith required, the understanding of one's smallness as well as one's connection to something greater...I realized how powerful and rich this experience can be if we open ourselves to it.

The wilderness period is not uncommon.  We find this stage in our sacred and cultural texts as well as in our everyday lives.  At first, the wilderness can be very frightening.  How did I get here?  What am I supposed to do?  Can I survive?  Where is everyone?  Where is God? 

But, what if, we could get past the fear and see this as the opportunity to deepen our understanding of who God is, and thus, who We are.  What if we used the wilderness as an opportunity to learn what it means to surrender control and trust God? 

I flash-backed to an experience when I was literally in the wilderness.  My best friend and I, both of us searching and trying to understand what God was doing in our lives, decided to take a day off and go to this open land in the woods that a small church owned and maintained specifically for others to find quiet time with God.  My friend and I fasted for the day, in expectancy of what we might learn.  In silence, we walked the grounds of this place.  I found myself drawn to a small lake, and as I departed from my friend to go there, he passed me his bible.  I sat by the lake, waiting for something.  This was the year that I first began questioning what it is that my life is about.  The first time I started to feel that something wasn't quite right.  That I was still somehow in the dark.  That there was something more  I wasn't embodying.  I wanted to be free. 

It began to rain.  I opened my bible to Psalm 29, which reads: ". . . The voice of the Lord is over the waters; the God of glory thunders . . . The voice of the Lord is powerful; the voice of the Lord is majestic.  The voice of the Lord breaks the cedars . . . The voice of the Lord strikes with flashes of lightning.  The voice of the Lord shakes the desert [the wilderness] . . . The voice of the Lord twists the oaks and strips the forests bare.  And in his temple all cry, 'Glory!' The Lord sits enthroned over the flood; the Lord is enthroned as King forever.  The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."

God reminded me then and now of both His wondrous power and His love for me.  He let me know that He is ruler over all things; and that, no matter what I may experience, He will forever give me His strength and peace.

Paul writes "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  This one sentence lets us know that 1) God is working on our behalf, 2) whatever he is doing is for our good, 3) we are all called, and 4) we all have purpose.  

What if we really believed that?

Recently, I found myself thinking, I wonder what God is going to do about . . . Not in the usual, oh my God! What are you going to do?!?!?!?!?!  (while pulling my hair out :)).  But, almost laughing to myself, with wonderment and expectation.  Wow, God, I wonder. 

You see, when you change your perspective, you change your experience.   

We all know the story of Moses bringing the Israelites out of Egypt. They were to enter the Promised Land.  On their way to the promises, they experienced God performing wondrous signs and miracles. Yet, still they feared; still they lacked faith.  After years of enslavement, they did not believe they were worthy enough to ever be free.  They wanted to go back to the way things used to be.  That pain and suffering was what they were accustomed to.  They couldn’t fully believe in the future that was theirs, even when it was right in front of them for the taking. 

But the discomfort they experienced in the wilderness, this discomfort of transition, was a temporary passage on the grand journey of their lives.   

When an assembly of men went to explore the Promised Land, they reported that in fact it was the land God was sending to them.  But rather than seeing their destiny, the very promises of God, they saw only the challenges that needed to be overcome to get there.

Yet, the Word of God declares the we are overcomers.  By faith, we overcome anything that comes our way, knowing that anything obstacle, any block in our path has already been overcome by the One who has power over all.

Later, I will  talk more about how we begin to change our perception, to change our stories.  For now, I pray that we begin to believe in our very souls that God is our watchman.  Lord, we thank you that our help comes from you; that at all times and in all places, you provide a shade of protection around us and keep our foot from slipping on the path.

Letting go of control

For many of us, the need to control develops as a survival mechanism. At some point in our journey, we begin to believe that we, our beautiful, perfect selves, are not enough. This happens any numbers of ways. Like when we believe the love we gave so openly was rejected. Or the trust we bestowed turned into a trick. When we feel that we aren't seen or heard, even though we courageously exposed ourselves. Or when we experience pain at the hands of those we most desired to give us care. At those points, many of us decide that there is something wrong with us, something that we need to fix to be more worthy of love. We may decide that we cannot bear the thought of experiencing this pain again and we begin to close up and build the walls within to protect ourselves.

I was listening to a talk given by Tara Brach called Letting Go of Control that zones in on our universal addiction to control, sometimes even down to our spiritual practice (the constant search for answers and a secure sense of right or wrong). The talk shares a story about a woman who, as a child, was forced to get a haircut she did not desire. She loved her hair. She believed it beautiful and that it made her special. But her mother told her it was a nuisance. In that moment of losing her hair, she felt that what she wanted didn't matter. She then worked hard over the years through achievements and accomplishments to find that sense of mattering. But she also kept her passions locked in. She cut herself off from her own wants and needs. It was too dangerous to again feel like a nuisance.

I know this story. I have that story. As a child, my hair was a wild mass of uninhibited curls that went all over my head and down my back. But my mother hated my hair. She could never rein it in no matter how hard she tried. One evening, while our family sat watching a movie, my mother sliced through the silence with the command that I "do something" with my hair. At the time, I wasn't quite sure what to do. In my mind, it was "done.” But I felt the anxiety creeping into my body as I sensed the threat of her anger. I went to the bathroom to try to tighten the ponytail I had my hair in. Over and over she sent me to the bathroom to "fix" my hair, each time her rage and my sense of despair rising. Like so many nights, there was nothing to stop her rage from overflowing. She would not be pleased. As usual, I was at a loss to what was happening. I could never predict what might set her off. I felt responsible, because that's what she told me, but there never seemed to be anything I could do or not do to make me safe. That night, my mother made me get a chair and pair of scissors. She forced me into the chair, yanking my hair towards her and proceeded to cut several inches of my hair off until it rested just above my shoulders.

That was a moment among many that made me reach desperately for control, to find ways to make me feel safe, to make sense of the world around me. Maybe if I could keep everything operating smoothly, she would be upset less often. Maybe if I could just manage the world around her, I won't have to suffer. Maybe if I just reach achieve this and accomplish that, I can finally be free.

But the problem with this approach, this need to control, is that in the process we often cut ourselves off from the true experience of life. While I am trying to control my future by planning and overachieving, I am sacrificing opportunities to play and experiment. While I am protecting myself against any pain in relationships, I am blocking myself from the sweet vulnerability of love. While I am trying to be strong, I am missing the opportunity to receive the support of friends.

While trying to keep all the bad things out, I miss the opportunity to fully engage with the beauty of the world. I block myself from experiencing the wonder of life's journey and the expectant joy of promises fulfilled. And I am never at peace, because peace only comes from surrender.

I’ve learned that control is really an illusion, a never-ending search for something outside of me. We use the stories about what happened to us as our reasons.  And they are good reasons. We're doing what we feel we have to in order to be safe. But your real safety is in opening yourself to all of what each moment holds, trusting that God will be with you.  One of my favorite lines from the Course in Miracles states, in my defenselessness, my safety lies. We don't need to allow the past to control our future. Each moment, this moment, is a chance to start anew. The old has gone; the new is here! 

When we release those stories of our past into the past, we remember who we knew ourselves to be before we let the world tell us we were anything different. Inside, where God resides, is everything I will ever need. 

Rest from the busyness of life

I have to admit that it has been hard for me to keep up with writing here in the midst of the holiday season. At the end of December, I was caught up in the frenzy of tying up loose ends at work, preparing to travel to another part of the country, joining the crowds of last minute shoppers in the annual exchange of currency and finding time to reconnect with friends and family. But as I approached the beginning of a new year, one of the greatest gifts I gave to myself was time.

After a week spent in my hometown, I returned to my apartment; and, for another week, I rarely left my apartment. The few times I did leave were never further than a one-mile radius. I journaled for what seemed like hours, touching areas of my heart I had not yet given myself the space to be with. I prayed and meditated about my wounds and my dreams, wrapping myself in love. In my apartment, I sang loudly and off-tune and did yoga in my underwear. I cried. Sobbed even, until my whole body rocked.

For a week, I allowed myself to just truly be.

On New Year's Eve, I woke up and had the strongest sense of gratitude for everything and every person that has been in my life. As I was praising God in my living room, I was overcome with complete certainty that everything I desire, is already given. Everything I've been searching for, I already have. Every prayer I've ever prayed has been answered.

It was a sacred space.

I was reminded, again, that so often we're caught up in the busyness of life at the expense of our spirits. As Neale Donald Walsch writes, "[L]life has nothing to do with what you are doing, and everything to do with what you are being. Be careful not to get caught in the 'doingness' of your life. That is not what you are here for. You are a sacred soul, and you came here to the earth to Be something." When we focus on what needs to be done, what should be done, or what everyone else is doing/ needs to do, we fail to give ourselves the space to just breathe.

But when we allow ourselves to pause, to be, to connect with God, our divine source, we create a sanctuary. Even if for just a few minutes -- one moment -- we allow ourselves to enter His rest. In the rest of God, our souls are stilled; and it is in the stillness that God speaks.

The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind, there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. (1 Kings 19:11-13)

The real story of you - God's track record

So much of coming into your purpose is uncovering the stories that you have been telling yourself about who you are.  By stories, I mean those myths in your mind that make you feel that for some reason God is holding back all His promises -- specifically from you.

Months ago, I was encouraging a friend about following his dreams and taking hold of what he was created to do. After all my exhortation, he says well, what about you?

Instantly, I go into my diatribe about figuring out what to do with my life and how I don't have this and don't have that.

He says, "well what do you need to figure out?"

"Well, I mean I wish that I could just know what was going to happen," I said, already impatient with him questioning me.

"But, what do you mean? What is it that you want that you don't already have?"

For one moment, I paused and thought to myself, yes, what is it that I don't already have. For that moment I had clarity -- yes, I thought, yes, I have peace, love, joy, freedom, security, abundance!

But, in the next moment my faith was replaced with my stubborn persistence to hold on to my story. "But, I mean I wish I could just know for sure, like for real, that everything is going to be okay."

Fortunately, my friend was just as stubborn and persistent. "Don't you already know? You can be and have anything you desire. Frankly, I can't see it any other way. Look at your record. It's who you are."

So, let me remind you of God's track record.

What we say:

• Something bad will happen
• I will be hurt
• I'm not good enough
• It's my fault 
• I can't do it
• I don't deserve it
• It will not last  
• I'm not worthy
• I have no talents
• I am alone
• I am broken
• I am ashamed
• I can't ignore my past
• No one loves me

What God says:

In all things, He works for my good (Romans 8:28)
No weapon formed against me shall prosper (Isaiah 54:17)
I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)
I am holy and blameless in his sight (Ephesians 1:4)
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13)
I am blessed (Deuteronomy 28)
Goodness will follow me all the days of my life (Psalm 23:6)
I am His masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10)
I have unique  gifts (Romans 12:6-8)
He will be with me always (Romans 8:38-39; Matthew 28:20 )
I am healed (Isaiah 53:5)
I will never be put to shame (Joel 2:27)
I am a new creature; old things are passed away (2 Corinthians 5:17)
I am complete love itself  (1 John 4: 7-18)

Dear Lord, I pray that we will let go of our false stories and take on Your truths. We set the record straight! We know that our true story is still in motion and walk in confidence that He who began a good work in us will carry it to completion! Amen.  

Surrendering your plans to God's plans

I know that this is the time when we're all making our plans for the upcoming year. We're creating our goals and setting intentions, prayerfully trusting God to bring new fruit into our lives. And there is nothing wrong with that. We know that in faith, we can approach God with freedom and confidence, trusting that when you believe, whatever you ask for in prayer will be yours.

But the key here is believing, trusting and having faith in God. Many are the plan's in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.  This is not to discourage you but rather to greatly encourage you that God has a plan for your life that can not be thwarted. The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it. That means YOU.

And God has promised us great things! We may not always know all the details of what is going to happen, but God does. All the days of your life are written in His book. He has a plan for you. In your deepest heart of hearts you already know what your destiny is. Your life's purpose is to know in the depths of your soul that you are the great masterpiece of God. And you can trust that the work's of his hand will never be abandoned.

So let's use this life as an opportunity to enjoy all the promises of God. Promises like love, peace, joy, grace, and abundance. He has promised that nothing, no thing, can separate us from His love. No matter what you do, you are not more powerful than God.

You see, when you know who you are on the inside, it doesn't really matter what is happening on the outside. Circumstances and situations are always impermanent. Never put your hope in that which is temporary.  Learn to be content whatever the circumstances. As Paul writes, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." What is the secret he writes about? It is to put your hope and trust in the Lord, for in Him and through Him all things are possible.  You were created in His image, a living lamp into God's very nature.  He does not change, and so neither do you.

So go ahead and even make those "mistakes" (I prefer to call mistakes, lessons learned!). Give yourself permission to do the things you are afraid of. Sometimes we psych ourselves out trying to create rules and regulations but our heart is not in it. That's why you find yourself back in the same place, repeating the same cycle. Do not be like the Pharisees, saying one thing, yet constantly doing another. Let God penetrate your heart. This may mean that you have to fall before you can get back up. But it will be worth it in the end.

In 2013, I want to continue to follow those whispers of God, the seemingly random things that come into our minds, our Spirits....the oh that would be interesting if...or that might be fun...or I really used to like doing that when I was younger...or everyone always says that I'd be great at that...or I've always wanted to go there/do that/find this/speak to him/her...those things we usually ignore or are distracted away from. Because all the while that we're searching for purpose, meaning, trying to figure out what it is we really want...trust yourself, you already know. 

This year, I surrender to all that God would have for me. We're in this together! Be strong and courageous because the Lord our God is always and forever with us.

Walking in love

I stopped watching the news about two years ago. I found myself at times overwhelmed by all the violence, hate, and destruction reported, analyzed and almost celebrated on our news channels and ultimately in our homes. The "news" often left me anxious, depressed and hopeless.  Now, there's nothing wrong with watching or reading the news; but, I have chosen not to begin and end my day with these (primarily ratings-driven) stories to protect my peace of mind.

Yet, as unimaginable acts of violence continue to pervade our family dinner tables and workplace halls, I realize that there is nowhere I can really run or hide from what is happening in the world today.  What I can do is refocus my attention. 

Violence is a direct result of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of others and ultimately fear that we are not enough. Yet, we know that the opposite of fear is love. 

Yes, love is the antidote.  Perfect love drives out fear.

Now, bear with me. I know this sounds cliche. Some would say it's not realistic. What about what he/she did? What about the pain they caused. Justice should be done.  Evil must be rebuked.  Love? That's too easy. Too...spiritual?

Ironic given that many of the folks who have a problem with resolving violence through love consider themselves people of faith.

Yet, if we are going to really walk this walk, then we must defend Love.

So, rather than focusing on what is happening "out there" - and all the anger, fear, anxiety and judgment  I then direct into the world -- I can start to examine what is going on inside of me.

Love is not merely a word, a feeling or passive inaction.  Love is the foundation of our true selves.  And being Love is an everyday act of faith in God that we are who He says we are.
In Romans 12, Paul writes about love in action:

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor,serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 

Later, Paul writes that "[w]e who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up. . . .  May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God."

In 1 John 2, we are later cautioned that "[a]nyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness.  Anyone who loves their brother and sister lives in the light, and there is nothing in them to make them stumble.  But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness. They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them." Without love, we are walking blindly in the dark, stumbling, confused, afraid and wondering what has gone wrong with the world.

But I want to be in the light! In love, we are complete. Made perfect. In intimacy with God. Full of His Spirit.

Dear Lord, as we enter a new season, I pray that accept the truth of who we really are, which is the embodiment of Divine Love.  That we are strengthened to share that love fully, openly and courageously as we embody the example that You have set before us. That we accept each other, as one body, unified in Your name. Glorifying You always, Amen.

Are you blocking love?

I made a commitment to myself at the beginning of 2012 to open my heart to receiving and sharing love in all my relationships.  I've been doing this work of healing with family and friends, and I wanted to bring greater awareness to my romantic relationships.  In 2011, I took time away from dating to take stock of my relationship patterns.  I discovered that over the years I've built a wall around my heart with fear.  I had internalized a belief that people, and particularly men, would hurt me and that by trusting and becoming vulnerable, something would go wrong.  By dating men who I knew couldn't give me the partnership my heart truly desired, I would never have to risk too much of myself.  Connected to this was also an underlying belief that I somehow wasn't enough -- not worthy enough to have safe and loving relationships.  Staying in relationships that didn't honor me reinforced the belief that I wasn't worthy of the love I truly wanted.

Sound familiar? 

How do you break out of these patterns?

1) Figure out what your blocks are.  The first thing I had to do was recognize and acknowledge the beliefs I allowed for so many years to block me from embodying the love that is in me.  You see, fear and love cannot exist together.  I needed to drop my victim story.  Yes, in my past, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop because it often did.  I'd tried my best to be "good" to lessen the blows.  I sought some sense of safety by trying to plan for and anticipate all possible outcomes.  But I am not in the past anymore.  I am here.  Rather than being victimized by my story, I can see it now as the experience which has allowed me to be everything I am today, in this moment.  I am accomplished, enough, beautiful, amazing, smart, safe, loved, worthy, valuable and whole.

2) Choose to love.  The essence of choice is to act.  So in choosing love I had to start acting in love -- opening my heart to others, being vulnerable, asking for help, not pretending to have it all together, being authentic, not taking everything personally, having fun, celebrating who I am as a child of God, forgiving myself and others, being courageous, expressing my needs . . .

3) Realize that rejection is an illusion.  Opening myself up required me to stop giving power to the illusion of rejection.  Many of us have given rejection significant power in our lives.  We allow the fear of rejection to limit our dreams and block us from trusting God, ourselves and others.  At the core of rejection is a belief that we are not good enough; that someone will not love us for who we are and honor the gifts we bring.  It is an identity issue.  We feel rejected when we base our identity on things/people/situations/activities that are outside of ourselves.  But who you are comes from within.  Do you not know that you are a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?

The only person that can reject you is you.  Rejection says that we need approval, acceptance and validation from other people and things.  Rejection says that we are lacking.  Rejection says that we are not enough.  Rejection says we are starved for love.  Rejection is the very opposite of what God wants for us. When you believe these lies, you enable rejection to take hold of your life.  The truth is that we are blessed, chosen, holy, blameless, predestined, marked for an inheritance, lavished with grace, gifted, loved, saved, redeemed, forgiven...God created us just as we are.  Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; before you were born I set you apart.

Though I have written much of this in terms of what I have learned or have done, the truth is that these are notes to myself even in this moment.  So let us pray that we know, deep within our souls, the love which God has permanently seeded in us; that we will forever know that love is who we are.